Love

Valentines Day will soon be upon us, and whether you are single or taken, most people do stop and contemplate their love life...

......... for better or worse, reflecting on what has happened in the last year or few years, whether they are better off now or they were better before.

More and more frequently, I am hearing two phrases – either “I don’t want to get hurt” or “I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment”. These frustrate me to no end. First of all, no-one wants to get hurt. But it comes down to risk and reward. If you risk nothing, you will gain nothing. Yes you will stay safe, but you will also miss out on the highs that inherently come with a new relationship – the nervousness, the feeling of exhilaration when something goes unexpectedly well, the little bit of obsession that comes with the delusion that this could be real.

Erica Jong, the American writer, seems to have captivated this sense of the necessity to risk when she said: 

“Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.”

Now, that being said, I am not saying that we should all be out there looking for a second half, but when people comment that they are not looking for a relationship I think that’s a very negative attitude to have. I don’t think either that people should be going out specifically to find themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend however, but you should always leave yourself open to the possibility.

College is about getting out and meeting people. Lots of people. Lots of going out. Lots of parties. Lots of good and bad decisions - and its bad decisions often lead to fantastic stories. There was a piece of infamous advice given out by a student support rep in an American College a few years ago to a girl – “Sleep around and eventually one will fall in love with you”. NO NO NO!!!! Girls don’t be taken in by this. Sex and love are worlds apart! At 16 these topics might be intertwined, but not in your 20’s. Sex is about release, it can also be a natural expression of love, or else just a natural desire.

Love is much deeper than that. Love is about wanting to know everything about a person. Knowing all the bad but only seeing good, seeing a person in such a way that, to you, they look completely different to the way the world and everyone else may see them. Seeing an imperfect person perfectly. Many people who find themselves caught in the vortex of a truly meaningful, loving relationship will often say that the relationship has improved them as a person, made them better than they could ever have become on their own, because the reward of love is giving. Giving yourself entirely to another person and feeling the reward and comfort in knowing you can.

Love at first sight, well that seems to be a thing of myth and mystery. Maybe it exists, maybe it doesn’t. If you are lucky enough to have found it, embrace it. Few will ever find it, and as for the few who do, they probably won’t know what to do with it. 

Romantic love is the concept that poets and writers have wrote about for hundreds of years. It is the infatuation, fascination and burning desire for one person to another. Often unrequited, this leads to idealism, seeing the person as better than they really are. And this is the great thing about romantic love – it is unstoppable and cannot be deterred. True love is what remains when romantic love dies. Romantic love is this amazing force that captivates you early in the course of a relationship and can last months or even years. There then comes a time though when you look at your partner and see them very differently – you see right through their aesthetic appearance into their soul. Sometimes you see someone who is even more attractive, sometimes you see a lightin’ b**ch. The comedian Lee Evans remarks about a time where he looked at his wife, just after they had their first child. She had baby puke on her shoulder, Bolognese down her pants, looking on the brink of exhaustion and thought about how beautiful she really was and how lucky he was

With love come expectations. And expectations vary from person to person and are as different as every single one of us. Some people want space, others want presents, others want a best friend, others want sex. There is no set rule (that I am aware of anyway) for these, but in order to keep someone happy, their expectations must be met. Sometimes, this is nigh on impossible, but what does make it easier is if your expectations are similar. If both parties just want something casual, this can be met much easier than if one wants something casual and the other wants a serious, committed relationship.

People who consider themselves “relationship experts” will tell you that any man can have any woman, and vice versa. First of all, I would love to know how you become a relationship expert? And do you have a degree to back up your claim? It’s probably all BS but you have to admire the hope they can give to people. They teach how to foster a good relationship, build strong connections, and the like. Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of going out, get to know a person, if you click – Great! If you don’t, go your separate ways. More than anything you need to enjoy the company of your partner and be able to laugh together as well as challenge each other and fight.

A good relationship involves fighting. Not over big things like cheating, ex’s, or money. Fighting should be wild crazy arguments about the best way to cook a potato, the fastest way to Mahon Point, or who is the best character in Desperate Housewives. Its these nuts, mental arguments that allow people to express themselves, vent, but also keep a certain level of realism, while letting your relationship develop so as you know how to resolve disputes within.

Now this is all very airy fairy. We now need to ask ourselves - what do we look for. As much as peoples’ preferences may vary, certain attributes are basic, natural things we look for. These basic features are women with strong hips, a healthy immune system and a caring nature. As much as you may disagree, psychologists insist that these features are wired into our DNA. Much in the same way, women look for tall men with broad shoulders, a strong immune system and with sporty attributes. There all represent a strong hunter who can protect and provide for his family. The immune system attribute you may find curious. When people kiss, the body undergoes chemical scrutination. When you kiss someone, subconsciously your body assesses their immune system, fertilisation, compatibility and genetic variation. It is a simple test to allow you basically choose a healthy, suitable partner that has developed along with the human species, much in the same way as dogs sniff each other.

Before I wrap it up I came across a very good piece of advice for girls. I agree with it but I’m a boy, so what do I know?

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, that’s her... "

This Valentines Day falls on a Sunday, the Sunday before RAG Week, in fact. So if on Valentines Day you decide that you are going to give love a go, you have a good week to start, with the opportunity of meeting people very high.

Best of Luck,

John