So You Think You Have Problems?

Tuesday, 04 January 2011 00:00

Our male & female problem solvers are here to answer your questions...

Question

I got myself in a bit of trouble one night. I slept with a girl when we were drunk and didn’t use protection. She had to take the morning after pill but I know that she has a reputation for getting with a lot of guys and this is my second scare this year. There isn’t anything wrong with me but should I get checked out anyway?

MALE

I’m going to be blunt… You, my friend, are an idiot. Unless you know the girl very well or are in a committed relationship, you should always use a condom whether they are using another form of protection or not. The pill protects against pregnancy but not against anything else – and trust me, there is a whole world of other stuff! You say this was your second scare this year? Why didn’t you learn after the first time? Do you want a baby with a girl that you have only just met? The reason that this may sound harsh is it is the second time that you have made the same mistakes. I have no problem with people making mistakes as long as they are new ones. I hope the girl is okay too. She would be in a much worse situation if she hadn’t used the morning after pill. You do need to think of the consequences of your actions. And to answer your question – yes. You do need to get tested.

FEMALE

Alcohol can lead people to do very dangerous and foolish things... including unprotected sex. You definitely should go to a doctor and ask for an STI check, if nothing else it will give you peace of mind. The fact that you have no symptoms is good although it can take genital warts and herpes up to three months after intercourse to appear. Chlamydia can also have no symptoms so you really need to go to a doctor ASAP. I am glad the girl had the sense to get the morning after pill but be warned that it does not prevent completely against pregnancy so maybe you should call her and she how she is.

Question

Hi. I am really jealous when it comes to my boyfriend and I can’t help it. We have been together (officially) for three months but I absolutely panic when he goes out without me. I’m really worried he will cheat on me or even flirt with other girls. My friends think I am over reacting and have told me he has never done anything to question him but my gut feeling is that he’s up to no good. I have asked to see his phone in the past (text came in at 3am) and he “accidentally” deleted it and said it was a wrong number. I don’t know if I’m just insecure or if I am actually picking up on something and have been cheated on? Please help before I drive myself completely insane!!

MALE

Rule number one when it comes to relationships is trust. You have to trust the person you are with and if not maybe you are not with the right person. I am a big believer in trusting your gut instincts so if you feel that there is something going on and your boyfriend is not being honest then there is a very strong possibility that you are right.
Now I don’t know what you have been like in previous relationships or all the ends and outs of what is going on in your current relationship but my advice to you would be to confront your boyfriend. Tel him how you feel when he goes out,  and how you felt when he deleted that text message. Listen to his side of things and again trust your instincts. There is also a chance that if you have had bad experience’s in the past (being cheated on or lied to in past relationships) then maybe you are carrying baggage into your current relationship. If that is the case and you find that you are over reacting or getting very upset over little things then maybe you should think about making an appointment to talk to a counsellor here in CIT. I hope everything works out for you.

FEMALE

If you are in a relationship with someone you need to trust each other. It is very obvious that you don’t trust him. Has he done something to lose your trust, or has someone cheated on you before? No matter what he says, it will not matter – actions are the most important thing here.
Have you talked to him about this? If he knows that you are so paranoid he might be able to put your mind at rest.
If you think that he may be cheating there are a number of indicators
Does he introduce you as his girlfriend?
Is there any friends that he has that you haven’t met?
Does he give you reasons why he is spending time with other people instead of you?
Does he get irritable when you question what he was doing on a night?
To be quite honest, the best thing you can do is ask him straight out. Don’t avoid asking because you may be afraid of the answer. It is better to find these things out straight away.
If he isn’t cheating on you though, you really do need to learn how to trust him, otherwise you are just wasting your time together.

Question

I am really confused. I think I might be gay. Ok, let me re-phase that, I know I am but can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I am really afraid that my family and friends will all turn against me. I feel really alone and like no one understands what I am going through. I find it impossible to focus on college work and have stopped going out with friends because I feel like I’m living a lie. I don’t know what to do please help.

MALE

First off you are not alone.
There are so many student’s going through exactly what you are now. The beauty of college is that you discover who you are what you like and don’t like and get to know the real you…
There are a lot of people here in the college that can talk to you and give you the support you need at this time. The welfare officer is here for you, the counselling depart can help you talk through some of your emotions and feelings and the LGBT society are also here for you.  If you want to talk to someone outside of the college (although all of the college services are confidential) I would suggest you contact Gay Cork Project on 021-4304884  
You should be proud of yourself for sending in this email and for speaking your truth. I would encourage you to start getting the support you need now and contacting one or all of the above mentioned services. It is not good that you have stopped socialising and staying in. you have nothing to be ashamed about or afraid of losing, trust me everything is going to work out great in the end.
Best of luck over the next while and please stay in touch

FEMALE

There is nothing to be afraid of. Yes, it would be a change to be out and honest about it, but everyone is afraid of change. You will still keep your good friends, the people who like you for you – your sexual orientation will not change their opinions of you. Your family may take it as a shock initially, but the sooner they know, the sooner they will get over it and accept it.
Try not to make such a big deal out of it though. There is nothing to say that you have to come out now. Wait until you are ready. Many people are homosexual and don’t tell people for a long time. This is not leading a double life. If there is something that you are not ready for the world to know, wait until you are ready. Don’t think that your friends are completely honest either, everyone has secrets.

Question

Over the last few months I have moved in with a new group of lads that I have known for a long time. In the summer, we tried out a few different drugs, just for fun, and as a once off. Now I am taking cocaine every second week, and I would take it every week if I could afford it. It is not affecting any relationships I have, and it is not causing any problems, but I know that it is not right. My friends take it too, and it is great fun when we go out, but I can see a pattern forming of us trying to get it most nights we go out. What will I do because I don’t want this to become a problem….

FEMALE

Taking cocaine is already a problem. Some of the effects of cocaine include: Aggression, violence
psychosis, paranoia, restlessness, confusion, anxiety disorders, memory problems, hallucination, and depression. You are seriously endangering your body and health by taking this illegal substance and I would urge you learn more about the drug and the long term health effects. You should not need to take any substance to have fun with your friends; maybe you should consider finding new friends who may have other interests that you would find enjoyable also. Here in CIT we have a fantastic counsellor that specialises in drug addiction. The service is completely confidential so please don’t fear your lecturers or family would find out. The counsellor can advise you more on this problem and also help you overcome depending on the drug for fun.
I hope you get the help you need.
 

MALE

Well at least you realise at this early stage that it is a problem. I am sure it started off a bit of fun and good craic, but with all good things, you want more. As a group, try to make a conscious effort to go out some night without any drugs and see that you can still have just as much fun without it. On another note, remember that if anyone finds you with class A drugs while you are out you will be in serious trouble, plus, girls wont like it if they find out you are doing that kind of stuff.
Cocaine is highly addictive and gives you an intense high. This is the high you are chasing, but I would imagine that people looking at you don’t think you are as great as you might feel. Give it a kick for a few weeks and see how you do. You will save a lot of money too, so set yourself a goal, and with the money you save treat yourself to something nice. As I am sure you will agree, it is a slippery slope and the more you take, the more you want. If it is beginning to happen every week, get out now. And if it does continue, remember that you do not necessarily need to live with this group of friends.

Question

I am really down. Lately all I want to do is stay in my apartment. I hate the thought of college and worse, hanging around the canteen making small talk. I feel really overwhelmed with all my college work, and find myself crying over the smallest of things. I used to love going out Thursday nights, and going to the cinema and stuff with friends, now I only ever want to stay at home. I find I can’t talk to my friends about it, or my parents. I feel like I’m lost or something… this doesn’t feel like me

FEMALE

I am so glad you have come to me with this problem. Personally speaking it sounds like to me that you MAY be suffering from depression. I would strongly advice that you make an appointment with one of the counsellors in CIT ASAP. The worst thing you can do is to shut yourself off from friends and family and spend most of your time alone. Everyone gets down once in a while, so please don’t feel lonely or like there is something wrong with you for feeling this way. The first step to fixing a problem is to talk about it, so well done for opening up! If you would like any more advice or guidance make contact with the Welfare Officer in the Students’ Union, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I would also advise you to start writing in a diary, as it is very important that you express your feelings and keep a record of what you’re feeling and your thoughts. I would also encourage you to do some exercise, even a short walk, as it will reduce some of the stress your feeling from college and will also release happy hormones! If you need any help with study advice, I would encourage you to visit the Education Officer in the Students’ Union. CIT has lots of supports available for all its students, we are all here to help!

MALE

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out. Sometimes wallowing in self pity leads to a tremendous slump in motivation, and people spend their time feeling sorry for themselves. To feel better you need to get out and feel active again. The happiest people are the busy ones who don’t have time to feel sorry. If you are staying in your apartment all day you are possibly suffering from a dose of cabin fever also. Get involved in a sport, a college society, or even a charity! Christmas is around the corner and there will be a lot of opportunities to do good deeds, which will make you feel good on the inside, and which will show on the outside. The hardest step is the first one. Once you get out again and start going you will feel great! Make an effort to go out and I am sure you’re friends will support you!
If this doesn’t sound like a realistic option for you, you need to talk to a friend, parent or counsellor. Staying in all day and feeling down is not good for anyone so try to get yourself out of the rut, as I am sure you want to do yourself. Just remember, night is always darkest before the dawn.

Question

I am so broke! I struggle to make ends meet every week but I do manage to go out once a week to keep up with my friends. I get a little from my parents and can’t find a job at the moment. I really want to experience the full college lifestyle but I am afraid that I will run myself into debt should anything unexpected pop up. My friends can go out and get drunk three or four times a week, but if I get out once I am doing well. What can I do to improve my financial situation?

MALE

Well if your friends can afford to go out three or four times a week they are an exception. The way to look at this is simply one week at a time. If ends are just about meeting, you are walking a tight rope, but at least you are keeping your head above water. Coming up to Christmas, a very expensive time of the year, and a lot of places will be hiring for two or three of the busy weeks. Also, since most students are off in January, this can be a chance to keep your head low and accumulate a little.
Finding a job at the moment can be very difficult. Recruitment agencies are a valuable resource, as well as keeping an eye on the paper on a daily basis. The Careers Office will also be very helpful.
If you cannot find a job, you will need to budget stringently. Write down your income and outgoings, and make it balance – bring a packed lunch to college, fill your evenings with activities that will get you out but cost nothing – the gym, societies, etc. This way you are not losing out on the student experience and still keeping control of your spending.
Most importantly – DO NOT BORROW! You should only ever borrow if you can afford to pay it back comfortably. This is the same for a credit card, be very very careful.
With regards to going out and socialising, lets face the reality, people drink at home. Keep an eye out for offers and promotions, and since you are a student, keep an eye out for where drink promos are on as well.

FEMALE

I think the first thing I should mention here, is that you are not alone with your financial difficulties and that most people in Ireland at the moment are struggling also. I don’t think you should compare yourself to your friends, and the fact that they are able to go out so much, as they clearly have a different financial situation from you. If you are managing to go out once a week then that is great (although I hope you still have enough money set aside for food, rent etc.?). There are many different social activities that you can take part within CIT to make new friends and socialise and that are free. Have you thought about joining any of the sports teams or societies?
I also think every student should do a personal budget, which is a very simply and easy to do. All it requires is making a list of your income (money from your parents) and listing out your expenditure. By recording every outgoing you will be able to clearly see where the bulk of your money is going and making sure you have enough set aside in case of any emergency. Mabs is a free and confidential organisation which offers financial advice and can help you compile a budget. Visit www.mabs.ie for more tips or call into the cork office on 021 4552080. Your students’ union welfare officer is also there to help you, so you should call up to Vicki in the students centre if you require any more help!

Question

I am going out with a girl for a while now and we have lost all the excitement. At the start we could barely keep our hands off each other and we wanted to spend every waking minute together. Over the past few months that has all disappeared. We are as good as living together but the spark seems to have gone out. I don’t want to sound cheesey, but I think we are now more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. I still love her and don’t want to be with anyone else, but I don’t know what to do and I am not sure if I feel the same way as I did at the start.

MALE

Only one person can reignite a flame that has gone out, and that is you. It is a problem that many people face after the initial exciting part of a relationship. At the start it is all excitement, nerves and butterflies, and once you get to really intimately know each other this can subdue considerably. The fact that you say you are nearly living together doesn’t help either. If you are living in each other’s pockets, it can be difficult to have “news” when you do see each other, and can often get so used to each other it becomes mundane. Make sure you have your own personal time away from each other and friends that aren’t both of your friends. Being an individual while in a relationship is absolutely vital.
Try to keep things exciting. Do something spontaneous that she will never see coming – take a walk in the rain, jump in puddles, hide in a dark corner and scare her. The trick is this – anything that will raise her heart rate will make her more excited and that is where the passion comes from. If this seems like too much effort, I’m sorry, but you are not going to work. I am sure that if you love her you will enjoy doing this though.
Good to hear that your eyes aren’t wandering, if they were I would be worried. Don’t be afraid of being each others best friend, but make sure that there is still something more if you are boyfriend and girlfriend. A healthy relationship has both – the trust, openness and deep understanding that comes with friendship, coupled with the passion and urges that come with a sexual relationship. My advice, put in an extra effort. Excitement promotes excitement. And women love excitement!

FEMALE

This is a really common problem in relationships. At the start everything is new and exciting but realistically that cannot keep up. A relationship at the beginning stage can be all consuming (which is great don’t get me wrong) but it is not healthy if it continues after a few months. You are still the same person you were before the relationship began, so you need to spend time by yourself, have time for your college work, spending time with your friends & family etc. I presume ye are not actually living together so I would suggest you pulling back a little on the amount of time ye spend together. Instead of doing everyday things together why don’t you suggest going on a date and doing fun things which ye did at the start of the relationship. This will hopefully bring a little excitement back. If you try this and you still feel like the relationship is more like a friendship then you need to follow your heart. You have every right to change your mind or to end a relationship if it is not what you want.
I would suggest you writing in a diary maybe, and expressing how you feel after spending time with your girlfriend. The answers of what you really want are within yourself so you just need to take some time to find out what that is. Hope everything works out for your higher good.

Question

I can’t seem to find a girl anywhere! I know lots of girls who all see me as a friend, and I make an effort to go out as much as I can and meet people. I can usually get a kiss on a night out if I try, but I can never seem to follow up. Sometimes I am too shy, but when I do make an effort, the girls never seem too interested. Is there anything I can do because I am so sick of being alone!

MALE

This may seem like a way to dodge the question but it’s not – A woman will appear when you are not looking. When the time is right it will happen. Now don’t get me wrong! I don’t buy into all the “if it’s meant to be it will happen” nonsense. I firmly believe in the “If you want it bad enough you will make it happen” mentality. There is no point deciding that you want a girlfriend, it’s the wrong way to think. Wait until a girl comes along that genuinely interests you and when you find her, make it happen! It sounds so clichéd, but any guy can get any girl (within reason) if they try hard enough.
Enjoy your single time while you have it. Be one of the boys, make a few mistakes, get a little too drunk once or twice because trust me, once you get a girlfriend, that’s the stuff you will miss!
And on one other point – no one needs someone to make them happy. You need to be happy alone and happy in yourself before you can ever be expected to make someone else happy. If you need someone else to make you happy, you are not ready for a relationship yet.

FEMALE

Firstly you are not alone! By the sounds of your email you have a lot of friends so try focus on the positives aspects of your life.
My advice would be to stop trying so hard! Maybe you should try focusing less on getting a kiss on a night out and instead sparking up conversations and getting a girls phone number. Also if you are going to the same night club every week maybe you should consider checking out some new clubs as people tend to stick to the same venue every week. Also try going to a bar as it’s much easier to get chatting to someone there, than it is in a nightclub! I would also suggest you join a society in the college as it’s a fantastic way to meet new people with similar interests.
I also think people who desperately want a girlfriend/boyfriend send out a signal of neediness that would repel most perspective partners. So I think you should go back to enjoying your nights out and just be yourself.
Try staying positive and knowing that when the right person comes along, the feelings will be mutual, and all the other girls who were not interested no longer matter!
Enjoy being single and I am sure someone great will come along when you least expect it.